watch out for that -

- flying ray? 

by now, we are all well aware of the dangers associated with breaching the habitat of the wild ray. if nothing else, steve irwin's untimely (but - let's face it - inevitable) death at the deadly whip-tail of a ray taught us to leave rays the hell alone. but this, as well as more recent developments have led me to change one of my fundamental beliefs about life. 

you see, many years ago, while watching discovery channel's shark week i decided that sharks were natures most evil creature - pure evil, in fact. they mentioned this one island that these man-eating sharks go to every year at the same time when a kind of bird goes there to lay eggs. when the eggs hatch the cute little bird guys all have to learn how to fly by getting up in the air and over the (now shark infested) water. thing is, these sharks leap outta the water and grab the little guys right outta the air. then - and here is the really messed up part - they don't eat them. they break their necks, bite off a wing or something and LEAVE THEM DYING AS A WARNING TO OTHER BABY BIRDS. pure evil, right? 

but, as i mentioned, my view has changed. sharks don't really kill alot of people - in fact, on average only about 20 a year. mostly they just take a leg or a chunk of flesh. so really, in the end, they are not so much evil as they are colossal assholes. although, they do sleep with their eyes open - a warning never to trust an animal that doesn't have eyelids (reticulating membranes don't count). 

having heard a story this morning about a woman killed by a ray, i now believe that the ray has taken the sharks place as a nature's most evil creature. a woman, just hanging out on her boat, is suddenly and viciously attacked by a ray that LEAPS OUT OF THE WATER AND TACKLES HER. apparently, there is a similar - in fact nearly identical - case from 2005 but i failed to find a link to it. i did however find this story about a man who was stabbed IN THE HEART by a ray. see, while sharks are built like torpedoes and full of teeth, your common ray is much creepier. utilizing a long poison bard he STABS YOU IN THE F***ING HEART. this brings up some crucial shark-to-ray comparison points: 

1. most shark attacks are due to sharks mistaking people for shit they actually like to eat - like turtles and seals and stuff. sharks don't like the taste of what is essentially a big hairless monkey. 

2. sharks tend to bite extremities, because they look meaty and delicious - can we really blame them? 

3. rays, on the other hand, seem to have an in-depth knowledge of human anatomy, that not only denote amazing powers of intellect, but also a deep seeded will to destroy all humans.  

in closing, i think rays are nature's #1 most evil thing. a close second is the sacculina carcini, which is only saved the number one slot by being slightly more awesome than it is evil. in contrast, i believe that dogs are the most A+ super nice animal on earth. as proof i submit this video of a dog leaping off of a boat to attack a shark. someone give that dog a medal. or some snausages.

i do apologize if all this talk about evil and animals killing people has bummed you out. as a way of apologizing, i present you with this awesome page where you can waste several minutes basking in nostalgia.